Then, why am I so sad?

The last two weeks have been trying. It's what every person in remission goes through, but it doesn't make it easy.

My regular visit with my oncologist became so much more when he saw in my blood work that one of my tumor markers was high (CA125.) He wasn't too concerned, as this same marker could just mean that I had an upset digestive system. When he examined my chest wall, however, and I told him there was some tenderness, he ordered a test.

I'd had a PET scan before. It's not a big deal. They inject you with radioactive glucose, you sit around for 40 minutes waiting for it to go through your system, then you lie still for a very long time as they scan your entire body on a machine similar to a CT scan or MRI.

The painful part was waiting for the results of the scan- all of the "what if's" that go through your mind. Your brain never imagines what would happen if it comes back negative, only what you would do if it's cancer. I think if it weren't for the Hunger Games books I might have gone mad.

Today, after four phone calls and a LOT of positive self talk (no news is good news,) I got the results. "No sign of disease," is what he said. The scan did show some inflammation in my back and something going on with my thyroid, so I'll be having an ultrasound and MRI in the near future, but he isn't concerned.

The strange thing, and the real point of this blog, was my reaction when I heard the news. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad... but I wasn't happy. This is good news, right? Shouldn't I be elated that I won't have to have more chemo? I had imagined how I would have reacted if I did need chemo- similar to how I imagine Katniss felt when she heard about the Quarter Quell. But now? What do I do now? More counting down to the five year mark, I guess. But, I'm still crazy tired. The iron hasn't helped. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Mostly, what is wrong with me emotionally? Maybe I just wanted to go home? Maybe I wanted to be surrounded by my former medical team, who I know would fight for me if they could. Maybe I wanted to feel loved and appreciated again. Maybe there is comfort in familiarity, even if what is familiar is downright evil. Maybe I just wanted to fight an opponent that I could actually see.

I don't know. What I do know, is that I'm incredibly grateful for my husband and the handful of others that understand me, or at least love what they don't understand. I'm grateful for a survivor workshop that I get to attend in May. I'm grateful that I don't have cancer, and thus, don't need chemo. I'm grateful for a God who loves me and can use this situation to glorify himself.

still tired

Last week I saw my oncologist for a regular check up and said my only concern was how tired I've been feeling. He checked my blood work and saw that I was iron deficient, so he put me on an iron supplement.

It's a real pain, actually. All sorts of stuff affects their effectiveness, like food and drink for example! My eating schedule is now dictated by these little green pills I take twice a day. I think they have helped, but I'm still feeling tired every day. Like, right now, all I want to do is take a nap. The thing is, I COULD take a nap, but who wants to sleep the day away, especially a day as nice as this one? And not only that, but I want to take a nap EVERY day.

I've started pulling weeds out of the flower beds in front of my house. (Believe me, there are plenty.) I limit myself to 10-20 min of work so that I will have energy for the rest of the day. It feels silly to pull about 2 square feet of weeds and then stop, but little by little I'm getting the job done.

Fatigue has been an issue since my diagnosis. I REALLY hope that it subsides after the tamoxifen. If not, I'll be investing in a super-comfy couch to nap on. :)