My regular visit with my oncologist became so much more when he saw in my blood work that one of my tumor markers was high (CA125.) He wasn't too concerned, as this same marker could just mean that I had an upset digestive system. When he examined my chest wall, however, and I told him there was some tenderness, he ordered a test.
I'd had a PET scan before. It's not a big deal. They inject you with radioactive glucose, you sit around for 40 minutes waiting for it to go through your system, then you lie still for a very long time as they scan your entire body on a machine similar to a CT scan or MRI.
The painful part was waiting for the results of the scan- all of the "what if's" that go through your mind. Your brain never imagines what would happen if it comes back negative, only what you would do if it's cancer. I think if it weren't for the Hunger Games books I might have gone mad.
Today, after four phone calls and a LOT of positive self talk (no news is good news,) I got the results. "No sign of disease," is what he said. The scan did show some inflammation in my back and something going on with my thyroid, so I'll be having an ultrasound and MRI in the near future, but he isn't concerned.
The strange thing, and the real point of this blog, was my reaction when I heard the news. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad... but I wasn't happy. This is good news, right? Shouldn't I be elated that I won't have to have more chemo? I had imagined how I would have reacted if I did need chemo- similar to how I imagine Katniss felt when she heard about the Quarter Quell. But now? What do I do now? More counting down to the five year mark, I guess. But, I'm still crazy tired. The iron hasn't helped. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
Mostly, what is wrong with me emotionally? Maybe I just wanted to go home? Maybe I wanted to be surrounded by my former medical team, who I know would fight for me if they could. Maybe I wanted to feel loved and appreciated again. Maybe there is comfort in familiarity, even if what is familiar is downright evil. Maybe I just wanted to fight an opponent that I could actually see.
I don't know. What I do know, is that I'm incredibly grateful for my husband and the handful of others that understand me, or at least love what they don't understand. I'm grateful for a survivor workshop that I get to attend in May. I'm grateful that I don't have cancer, and thus, don't need chemo. I'm grateful for a God who loves me and can use this situation to glorify himself.