meltdown

A lot has been said recently of global warming, or the lack there of. The meltdown I'm referring to, however, has nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with cancer.

I guess it's just been on my brain lately. A friend's sister, who was having treatments the same time as I, relapsed and now is battling stage 4 cancer. Another friend's mom is undergoing chemo, and just today I got an email asking me to pray for someone my age who was just diagnosed.

I made an appointment this week to meet with an oncologist. It will be my first time to the doctor since last summer. For whatever reason, I've been scared ever since I booked it. I'm afraid of what he will find. I'm afraid that the pain in my chest, abdomen, and sinuses is being caused by tumors, not viruses or bacteria.

Tonight, as I was noticing my aches and pains, I found my mind wandering to, "what if?" What if the cancer comes back? How will I tell my parents? My sister? What about my job? What about Chris's jobs?

What if's are almost never good for the emotions. I decided the best course of action was to go to bed, as I was tired anyway. It was a decent plan, except as I looked in the mirror as I was getting ready to brush my teeth, I found myself admiring my hair and then thought about having to cut it off again. That's when I lost it. I just broke down in tears. I went back downstairs and just sat with Chris for a while.

Now here I am blogging, partly to help everyone understand how cancer affects people, partly to make myself feel better, and partly to ask for your prayers. We all have needs and this is mine. God, be my strength.